i am an empty Costco parking lot

much of the inconsolable feelings of separation anxiety powerlessness aloneness we experience are echos from the past, empty spaces of what DIDN’T happen when we needed it … when we actually were new beings to the planet totally vulnerable and dependent on our primary caregivers for our survival. it was the assurance that wasn’t given, it was the cry that wasn’t heard, the tremors that weren’t assuaged, the fall that wasn’t seen, the steadfast presence of unconditional love that wasn’t felt.

i guess i had the ‘privilege’ of finding out that i’ve got a whole Costco parking lot of missing spaces through coming up again and again and yet again with puzzling painful experiences, not understanding why a certain present ‘minor’ event could trigger such deep emotions, minor things which i started to recognize as major themes- i knew the answer was deeper, and the process of trying to find out became my obsession. part of the journey also included the frustration of not being able to access my emotions, the frustration of feeling blocked, numb, frozen. things not making ‘sense’ logically - because this requires a sentient intelligence, which is deeper and primal.

when we’ve been conditioned to not show or not express how we really feel, when we’ve been trained to maintain a facade of ourselves to make others feel ok or even to convince our own selves trying to seem like we’re ok when there’s a part of you that’s actually not, when we’ve been told that what matters is what we Do to win the outer approval from others and not really having had the chance or space to feel into what FEELS intrinsically good - we move further away from our own innate truth/ purpose / happiness/wellbeing.

i’m in an ongoing process of realizing and recognizing the layers of missing spaces from being born under Korean parents who had/have ZERO recognition of emotions, something to be swatted away as an inconvenience, any form of vulnerability avoided like the Black Plague, all under the name of duty and how things Should appear on the outside. i could write a novel on how emotionally Neanderthal they are. maybe i will. SO. Much.  Material. the silver lining is that i got a reeeeeally good deep thorough PH.D worthy study on the repercussions of unmet emotional needs, AND the seriously magical transformation and transmutations that continues to happen as i consciously make the choice (it is a vow i have to re-take again and again from the tiniest moments in a day) to pivot from a long generational chain of mom-women who denied their own power/feelings/truth in service of pre-existing invisible rules of acceptable behavior. 

moving into higher self-awareness and becoming integrated conscious manifestors is about finding out what those missing spaces are, by letting yourself acknowledge and feel the pain it’s creating, inquiring as to what unmet need/missing space the pain is indicating towards, and letting those missing spaces be filled by yourself and others who actually want to, and can.

pure presence = love.