secret shame

the real reason I got into self-help/spirituality, was because of my skin. since puberty, the colonization of acne on my face was my secret shame and chronic source of misery. it created an alarming sense of being unloveable and powerless. and then some periods when my skin would clear up, i felt loveable again. i was completely at the mercy of this mysterious force.

a few years ago, I started to manifest consistently painful acne. i’ve started to catch on that when I didn’t feel good about myself and Life, acne would appear. i don’t know how many times i’ve fallen through the rabbit hole, just staring at the pores of my skin staring at the ‘imperfections’ obsessing over how my skin looked. it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I felt chronically out of control, and my self-criticism sky rocketed to the point that I didn’t want to leave my flat. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I felt so bad about myself that on some days I didn’t want to live.  on the outside, i pretended I wasn’t so concerned with it, because i thought that I shouldn’t be so concerned with my appearance -that meant I was petty, superficial and bad too. but the inner torment, shame, self-loathing was real.

our lives don’t evolve and transform until something stirs us from deep within to create that catalyzing force to start looking and doing things outside our normal range of life, and seek help from someone who’s done the inner work, knows and understands. sometimes pain can get so acute that it is an awakener. it’s like the ice cold shower that mutes out everything else. it is what births deeper awareness and gateway to knowing your true self and actually to get in touch with the essence of self this is linked with your true purpose. if you can let yourself see it that way. it’s when we ignore and try to keep things going on as usual, even if that ‘usual’ thing is consistently not feeling good, that the symptoms get louder and keep coming back. but it’s not because it’s trying to torment you. 

at the core, skin issues and all issues manifesting in the physical stems from emotions. the outer is a reflection of the inner feeling realm. i became aware that my thoughts, what i was saying to myself was not kind and what i was feeling in relation to those thoughts, was not good. and the life that i was living was not honoring my true self. i agreed to things even though i kinda slightly sorta or even reeeally didn’t feel good about it. i suppressed the voice inside me that had another preference, to the point where i didn't even know what i really wanted, for the sake of what i thought was maintaining good relations with others, being liked and accepted. i chose ‘should’ , ‘supposed to’ and  ‘good’ over ‘keeping it real.’ that created a deep divide within, the outer ‘everything’s fine’ nodder smiler vs the inner unheard shamed self. we’ve been so long socialized to not value how we feel but in essence our health and everything in our lives depends on it for our well-being. emotions are our compass for whether we are in alignment with our truth, or not.

in my darkest moment, I made a promise to the Universe that if I could hack the skin code, I would do anything. And you know what? I did crack this code. that’s how I’m here right now writing this letter turning on my lantern to say that I made it through, AND THAT THERE IS HOPE! THERE IS A LIGHT. there is absolutely 100% a powerful healing force within you to heal anything. whatever pain is occurring in your life is there for a purpose. it is there for you to pause, and really listen, and follow its trail like a good detective all the way down to its source…if you dare to claim your freedom, reclaim your true self. you are not alone. you are exactly where you need to be right here right now. and this message you are reading now is proof. it is a sign that hope and faith are being restored. help is here, and you can allow yourself to receive it. 

kwonyin kwon