do you swallow your feelings

do you swallow your feelings?
cuts jabs and bruises no one sees, but you feel 
do you wonder why you keep manifesting the same flavor of emotional ache?
do you wonder where the self doubt is coming from?

when you come up against the same emotional block over and over again, it can feel like the Universe is against you. like there’s some sort of cruel trick being played. otherwise why the hell would this be happening. and though it doesn’t feel good to resent the circumstances and people who trigger unhappiness and dissatisfaction, how else is one supposed to deal with it. so then you start to inernalize that dissatisfaction, and think ok there something maybe wrong with me. but no, clearly there’s something wrong with them! the mind starts to short circuit, breath becomes shallow…spiraling down down..

<quick! change the channel, get that snack, look at the nail, grab the phone - anything to relieve and distract from something too nebulous unnameable unsavory… >  until that 'irritiant' starts to grow, and make its way to the foreground.

how much worse do things need to get before you decide that you can’t do life like this any longer.

my moment came for me after a long dreadful period of denial that something was even wrong until i realized i couldn't function in the outer world anymore. i remember feeling so bad about myself that i didn’t leave my flat for days. all my self-hating thoughts manifested itself onto my skin as painful acne and depressed isolation, magnifying my own sense of unlove-ability. i would obsessively stare at my reflection in pure repulsion and fear at how others might perceive me. is this too unacceptable to go to a public place today was a question i would ask of myself. it makes me really sad to recognize how deeply conditioned programmed i’ve been - that my value/love-ability/worth/ is tied to physical appearance. maybe your value is tied to a relationship, work, money, cleverness, achievement, popularity, etc

Profound breakthroughs and CATHARSIS started happening via the work of emotional alchemy to address directly my negative emotions, my shadows, my shame..

kwonyin kwon