it is time to allow the disallowed

i remember lying in bed one night in a panic about the truth lump sitting inside me.

the truth lump felt too ugly unacceptable and hurtful to be exposed.

the truth was that i could no longer bear to be with my partner. his presence triggered such an acute sense of insignificance within me, and though a part of me wanted to scream at him “pay attention to me! i want to feel important and desirable” there was another stronger resistant part that felt too proud and ashamed to admit this need. another part of me projected defeat with my needs ever being able to be met by him, and placed its energy in elaborating on what I found annoying and inadequate about him, that created a deeper chasm of separation between us, and blocked my own self awareness. yet still a deeper part of me who believed that i am truly inferior, unworthy so i deserve to be in this pain alone.

there was a tug of war going on inside of NOT wanting to be seen, yet simultaneously desperate to be seen. my own secret separate realities were poisoning me from the inside.

i couldn't trust the voices and feelings inside as real or valid enough to express them. they seemed to be not worth the possibility of rejection by the other. even as the feelings grew stronger, and more difficult to contain, more cramped and tight, shame kept them all trapped down under.

that night i got so worked up resisting all my different emotions, i passed out and had a dream. in the dream i see a vivacious woman in the flat across the street from me. i hear music. she is conducting a big orchestra with many different instruments playing loudly, dancing - a big symphonic rave. she sees me seeing her, and she jumps into my window. i’m totally bedazzled and awestruck with her. she kisses me, i am in love with her. and my eyes follow her as she dances wildishly, carefree and jubilant down the street. 

she is Freedom. and the music, all the different instruments- was about allowing all the different voices within to be heard. she showed me the possibility of what life could be like. and my adoration of her was also showing the possibility of what I could love and allow in me.

I come from a lineage where the concept of respect (generated by the culture) and social conventions overrides anything you actually really feel. it goes so deep as to negate/deny the existence and legitimacy / validity of your feelings. Declaring ‘IT ENDS HERE WITH ME’ is a very strong powerful statement because it is actually taking a conscious pivot to generations up generations of habit based on fear.

what have you disallowed in yourself?

what does freedom look like, feel like to you?

kwonyin kwon