the year of magical thinking
I got very high very enthusiastic on feeling good about 2018. i got my intentions down, i did my rituals to consecrate those intentions. then 2018 began to happen and i to my dismay and not to my surprise saw my old familiar friends come out to stomp over the party. those friends being: Doubt, Critic, Shame.
my intentions are: focus, completion, exposure. ******i am trembling with the implications of what i have set in motion here, but ready too***** here’s a little snippet of what my Inner Committee of Doubters sound like: pfsssh yeah right (sarcastic mockery), you’re gonna fail (said very matter of factly), you don’t have what it takes (voice of a snobby popular intimidating girl from junior high), if you really allow yourself to do what you love you’re being damn irresponsible (that’s mom), why bother trying and exerting all the energy for something you’re going to end up alone and miserable anyway (mom), the world is cruel indifferent and better for you to stay tucked away to avoid getting hurt (mom, and assumption from 2nd grade when i self berated myself for not having the right answer), everything’s already been done and said - whatever you’re adding is superfluous and spammy, AND there is something seriously innately wrong with you - that’s why you can’t, and you shouldn’t aaaaand you won’t (collective patriarchy).
very familiar stuff to me. basically what keeps me from expressing myself, what keeps me from wanting to get up sometimes in the mornings, what keeps me from tending to my garden of ideas and letting them grow, what leads me to abandon my visions, numb out, suppress reject deny avoid taking the next step in my creative pursuits. self-doubt as the magic killer, fun deflater, creativity boner flaccid-maker.
so here i am sitting in my sweatpants just watching and observing Them do their thing, as they go off on the usual rant.
And then… something miraculous happened. i was like, HOLD UP.
WHAT IF i could flip the doubt on Doubt.
WHAT IF I COULD DOUBT the DOUBT ITSELF.
DOUBT THE DOUBT! SUBVERT DOUBT BY USING ITS SAME STRATEGY ON ITSELF!
EXAMPLE: so going from "What if I can't XYZ..." TO "ACTUALLY. what if I CAN XYZ"
and in questioning the doubt, a tiny little crack forms, the seam in the relentless factual- solid seeming appearance that Doubt and Fear could make. all you need is that tiny crack. that tiny bit of space, of wiggle room, to slightly flutter and shake your wings, til eventually you get them full on flapping and flying again.
the beauty is that it is just the tiniest little subversion. it's the magical power of a thought. let me know how it goes for you...