the Divine Warrior, the Terrified Infant, the Scoffer, & Total Apathy

personally i know over the whole course of my romantic life starting with the unrequited crush on Matthew in kindergarten the jerk who didnt respond to my lovenote i’ve accrued a lot of resistance towards receiving love and attention. it’s a strange dance of really wanting something you’re also very scared to have and where a part of you rejects and deflects incoming expressions of love out of fear of being mistaken as too special and worthy. i am working on what life could be like to be seen without filters in my truest essence of whatever i’m feeling in the moment and have that mean not lose connection in relationships that matter but even strengthen them - in my highest joyfully sparkling expansive states to darker anxious possessive possessed pain body states of detached withdrawn frozen panic can’t trust nobody paranoia barely able to utter a squeak and feel myself the most unworthy speck of inferiority cowering in a corner so sorry for existing. 

i am aware of my inner mechanism of distortion that can paint incoming expressions of genuine love as manipulative and condescending and as straight up lies. i am aware of my Inner Scoffer that lives in a secret compartment tucked away from visible sight who secretly rolls her eyes and is like “ya, right” - wears bulletproof armor to ward off 'false love'. underlying this are deeper layers of unhealed wounds pertaining to betrayal and abandonment, that i’ve internalized as my own inner sadistic bully and rejector. and deep fear of what might happen again - feeling trapped and loss of self in order to stay in connection to someone. 

exposing it is healing it

i am feeling the tension of what it could mean if i really let love in and exposed my wounded self - the most vulnerable tender mollusk part of myself that feels so much more comfortable to hide - to the light. the mollusk is silently withering anyhow alone in the shell. the question is can i bear the trembling discomfort of death to the old self to open to a new upgraded reality. i want to and i’m trying. the truth is that it’s uncomfortable. expansion hurts only because of how strongly my ego is attached to my own concept of what  it thinks makes me good and love-able. 

i’m aware of the splits in my consciousness. the Divine Warrior, the Terrified Infant, the Scoffer, & Total Apathy

Divine Warrior: i want and am divine love. i’ve died through rejection and resurrected many times. i can handle anything - and i am ready sacrifice my limiting self concept for relationships that can handle and hold my light and shadow.

Terrified Infant: i’m scared. i need to be picked up and never let go.

Scoffer: hell no i i’d rather cry alone and console myself than let another person ever desert me again.

Total Apathy: everything’s fine. why change. i’m tired, and dont even care enough to try…(falls asleep)

I’m starting to open up the dialogue and work with each part, some moments one voice is much more prominent than the other - especially Total Apathy which is actually deepest form of resistance and powerlessness that blankets over everyone else. i recognize this energy is a most prevalent pervasive attitude in the relationship with my parents. staying in an unhealthy situation where it becomes just a very normal way of being.