the ugly truth my face held: a story of release & aimee's magic

you wouldn't be able to tell at all just from looking at me, what kinda intense policing was happening below the surface.

my face felt stiff, hard, and heavy like those big round iron manhole covers on roads to access underground sewage lines. 

underneath that manhole cover was a hidden reality of pain and lostness.

i was living with my parents, in between jobs. feeling stifled and terrified of my life's trajectory. back in their energy field, back in the box i'd outgrown, it almost convinced me that all the ways i'd evolved didn't matter. 

because here i was, the powerless, voiceless child again, playing out their version of me. the placid scene of suburban life versus the internal wildness of my existential crisis - two grotesquely split realities.

old survival patterns re-emerged, even louder, just to exist in their reality.

my face - the interface between my inner and outer worlds - was tightly patrolled by border control. if any vulnerable, truthful feeling dared to inadvertently slip out? immediate deportation and electrocution by shame.

you can imagine how tiring and uptight you'd gotta be to keep this up. that's a full time job - all day, everyday holding up the pretense of okness while holding back hostaged criminals.

doing to myself internally what was done to me externally.

well those unacceptable "criminal" emotions inside me were getting rowdier and louder everyday - sick of feeling disenfranchised, ashamed, judged, and mistreated.

the stigma against them, the isolation and loneliness, the hopelessness, despair, anger, frustration, and resentment… all of it was brewing inside this unjust system.

the muscle control to keep them at bay were starting to falter.

one day on a walk, when i was feeling exceptionally unwell with all this inner prison mutiny, an idea plopped into my mind. 

was it my higher self?

"let it out through your face"  

what?

ok… sure why not.

no one was around. just me, the trees, and the asphalt walkway under the blue sky. i felt safe enough-ish to experiment. so, i gave it a try, right by a row of rose bushes.

it was awkward at first, like an oddly shaped feces making its way out through an initially unyielding anus.

my face scrunched up sour. i moaned like a zombie crawling out from a bunker drinking in the first fresh air its had in years, even exaggerating the deprivation.

i let all the muscles contort, their shapes squeezing and softening the hardness as the strangest sounds and forms emerged.

my face yielded to all kinds of bizarre creaturely misery and aliveness. 

i felt heat and circulating through my face.

i didn't know wtf i was doing, but i just went with. and it felt oddly good.

go free. let it be monstrous. ugly. nasty.

i let myself be a freak. the antidote to perfect.

something in me felt lighter. relieved. even amused with myself. proud of my secret, strange ritual.

fast fwd a decade.

i'm back home for mother's day, and the universe arranged another freaky face moment.

the look on my mom's face screamed intense disgust. she fixed her gaze on me, wanting my alliance in her detestation of my dad -  the "disappointing failure" who couldn't meet her needs, yet who she couldn't leave. 

this was an old triangulation pattern, one i'm intimately familiar with. as the child, dad is also in me. so what she wants me to reject with her, was also her getting me to reject half of myself.

rather than agree with her, as i would have as a child, i stayed with the disturbed feeling inside me witnessing her face.

her face held such a potent expression of scorn, resentment, blame, and rejection of her trigger - my dad.

the face that wanted acknowledgment and rescue from of all of its pain of failed expectations and abandonment, but never got it, and had now resorted to pure disgust and disapproval.

that face touched a deep nerve of recognition, haunting me for the next days. i couldn't get that face out of my mind!

why? this was the face inside my face. the look that exists inside me and has the power to completely shut me down if anything dad-like in me dares to come out.

the look that has the power to burn me alive with shame.

if i'm falling short of anyone's expectations: being too slow, being too much, not being perfect enough, etc etc

synchronistically, as i'm processing all this i got the opportunity to receive a facial somatic release from my friend aimee takaya who synchronistically dreamt of my mom (who she's never met) in her dream the night before.

aimee, founder of free your soma, guides hanna somatics, a gentle yet powerful physical release practice for tension accumulated in the body through stress and trauma. through specific physical explorations, emotions in the body can be set free, opening up more movement, ease, and awareness.

during aimee's workshops, participants (myself included) learn to access places of resistance as the very portals where the most potent transformation can happen.

what i love about her practice is its emphasis on slow, intentional release, something soo under-valued in our world.

we live in a world that favors accumulation and relentless yang, forward energy, often at the cost of suppressing ourselves and coming out of alignment. there generational patterns of misalignment are deeply embedded in our bodies.

there are so many beautiful parallels between aimee's practice and the completion process, the trauma integration modality i utilize for deep emotional release and catharsis.

both involve bringing keen awareness to places of resistance, allowing our psyches and bodies the chance to digest unfinished business.

there's so much unfinished business.

you can viscerally feel the vulnerability of letting go. it's shaky, it's weird, because you're entering a new frontier where profound new things can be discovered about yourself.

what i find every time is how much more vulnerably awkward letting go can feel than the motion to go-go-go.

in that space of letting go, there's anger, frustration, impatience, hopelessness, despair.

you confront so many things inside these simple, gentle, subtle movements. but it's precisely through confronting what's here now that new connections and vitality are awakened.

profound change arises from micro attunements. new self awareness arises from what's truly being noticed and felt.

from heavy to levity, tiny cracks open the door to freedom. oh.. yes, there is another way to where i want to go, to a deeper place in me. that's not about forcing anything. it's a letting go.

with aimee's guidance, i became conscious of my unconscious identification as my dad as the "loser" who got so much hate from my mom - and i felt that pattern release though my right-side body and face.

i released being controlled by my mom's face - working with her face in my face - a pattern intimately connected to my fear of failure and crushing self-judgement.

reminding me, yet again, that what you reject outside of you mirrors what you reject in yourself.

and that these patterns don't need to keep repeating, not til you truly face them. and yes quite literally, these patterns are in your face.

this journey of facial & somatic release has been profound, and i'm excited to introduce you to aimee's incredible work!

check out aimee's free intro to somatics class

also you can follow aimee on ig: @ aimeetakaya

listen to free your soma her podcast!

for aimee's community ( a big welcome ☺ !)

my work, through modalities like the completion process and parts work, explores similar themes of integrating trauma, reclaiming repressed parts of ourselves, and finding freedom from deeply ingrained patterns.

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❤️

kwonyin