Male Trust Issues?
literally as i'm writing this, i'm hearing my neighbors fighting. she's screaming and sobbing "you don't care about me" as doors slam :( i heard her agony a couple days ago too, and it pains me that her inner baby is still unquelled
relationships are so painful, because they expose so much of our early unmet needs. at the same time, relationships have the potential to be the catalyst for so much awareness and deep ancestral pattern interrupts because it's a mirror to our deepest selves.
i sat down to share with you about how creating the internal atmosphere for my wounded baby parts to feel safe to emerge, express themselves, and get held into blissful union with my adult mother/father self
is what got me aligned for the deep soul connected emotionally fulfilling relationship i've always dreamed of.
recently my partner and i celebrated our 1 year anniversary. i joke that it's been 1 year of opening pandora's box, dealing with my very intense heart protector!
the stoney fortress guarding my most vulnerable self who's been hurt too many times has been going through a deep renovation process. the fortress is being transformed into a healing spa oasis where watery emotions flow, deep exfoliation of old crusty hurts happen and healing serums are lavishly pumped over parched dry spots
letting my guard down with him more and more to let love in has been an extremely tender unclenching process, rewriting old scripts that i can't trust anyone, no man actually exists with the emotional depth and intelligence i need to be truly fulfilled, i'll always inevitably be abandoned because the kind of care and attention i need is too much for anyone :(
and i did have relationships where my fears were correct and affirmed. i saw and felt the red flags, got better at not believing i have to tolerate something that doesn't feel totally aligned, and loving myself enough to walk away when there wasn't a mutual willingness to evolve and go deep.
over and over i confronted the split between my protector and the vulnerability, and let both of these parts of me consciously choose: do you want to keep shutting out love because of this pain or do you want to open to life with the pain?
i'm SO glad i chose option #2!! and feel better and better about choosing this way because of how expansive, freeing, and fulfilling it feels to be all my selves with him: the paraplegic baby, weirdo, a demon, rage goddess, diva, jaded crone, and so much more lol
but damn.... it's a verrry wobbly tender liminal place when it feels like choosing to work through the obstacles WITH someone, is also choosing death to the "i don't need anyone" old safe way of clamming up
it's not that suddenly my relationship karma changed because my partner came into the picture. my relationship with him is a continuation of the work i was already doing with myself: getting intimate with my protector and the vulnerability it's protecting.
this meant getting really connected to my emotions. not just the surface emotions like blame and annoyance, but the deeper ones hidden beneath the protector's armour.
like when koan didn't respond immediately to my text, that in that moment triggers my impatience and hostility because i've jumped to the conclusion that he's purposely ignoring me because i'm too much. below that is the fear that i'm unworthy of being prioritized, which is an old wound that's been there long before him.
i needed to access the deeper vulnerability and get to the root cause which required slowing down, getting curious and present with the goo.
and get intimate with the part of me that fears annihilation if i let anyone see how wounded i am. to understand the part that fears deeper connection. the part that wants to avoid conflict, that part that wants to hide being seen in my neediness and terror of not being worthy enough of attention and care, especially when i'm in pain.
doing this naturally started to set up an internal state of worthiness. i was getting my vessel primed already for receiving, getting familiar with the feeling of safety and acceptance in my dark moments of turmoil.
rather than waiting for someone to approve of me and adore me, i needed to approve of and adore me.
over and over again, i reminded myself:
i am worthy of deep slow sensitive attention to the things arising in my body.
i give my emotions permission to stay.
i am available to hear the deeper story underneath what these sensations hold.
what i'm feeling isn't too much.
i am worthy of being heard.
i became a hunter of the places in me in resistance to what i'm feeling, and made my primary focus searing into those places with my loving awareness (this is what i teach in my workshop series, Un-Armouring Your Protector!)
i allowed myself to receive deep presence from the beings in my life who mirrored back to me the acceptance i needed to access the shut down places in myself.
and with the completion process, which i use with my 1-on-1 clients, i kept journeying back to retrieve my abandoned orphaned-feeling baby self fragments, and bring her into the safe haven. so that more and more of my consciousness came on board with the feeling-knowing that they mattered enough to be seen and rescued into a safe loving place.
by the time my partner came into the picture, it wasn't such an impossible foreign fairytale wish anymore. it was a relationship i had been cultivating with myself in the sanctuary i had created within me that was already living in my consciousness.
whether you're in a relationship or not, you're always in a relationship with yourself. and how you relate to your vulnerability, meaning how safe your vulnerability can feel with you, is the foundation for deep secure relationships with anyone else.
i'll be teaching the basics of Parts Work, and how to create internal harmony in my new 2-part Parts Work Workshop: Un-Armouring Your Protector,
get access to the replay here
love, kwonyin