the struggle continues as i witness my self battling my self, on the right to my feelings, my right to write, my right to say things stupidly just to get it out.
and my right to grieve the shutdown of my emotional expression from my early life
there was a whole chunk of my childhood and adolescent years being frustrated NOT being able to say what i wanted. my parents, new immigrants to california from korea, spoke korean. i spoke english, and my korean was very limited.
i felt stupid only being able to say basic things in korean, and then instantly annoyed when my parents didn't understand me when i tried to explain more complex happenings.
so i shut down, and self-blamed. if they don't understand, it's my fault for not having the vocabulary for saying what i want to say better.
and i blamed them. it's their fault for not having the capacity to understand me.
it wasn't just the language difference at home that made communication difficult. there was no language for expressing my interior world. no language to explain the nuanced story behind my hesitation, my no, my frustration, or simply to share what was happening with me
i depended on the korean i heard around me to communicate myself, but my lexicon was limited to my parents lexicon, and what i absorbed was the language of their bad marriage. so then korean was the language of war.
sometimes my sister, who spoke better korean than me, would act as my bridge and translator, which brought relief in some moments. but in another sense, reminded me of what i couldn't do for myself.
from these early recurrent experiences of frustration without resolve, i coped by creating a persona that doesn't need to talk, doesn't need to explain the real truth of the matter, doesn't need to be understood, doesn't need attention, and can deal with confusing things on my own.
the resistance around communication became embodied in the persona of my protector
the protector was my armour in a reality where chaos, confusion, and lack of understanding was the norm.
being an introvert anyway, it was easy to get cope by self-silencing.
stay quiet, they're not going to understand you anyway, what you're feeling isn't a big deal.
now fast forward to my adulthood when the protector is in the driver's seat:
don't speak up
you won't be understood
it's a waste of energy to try
they should already know what i'm feeling without me spelling it out to them
and if they don't behave like they know already, it's because they don't care.
therefore they're not safe.
and this justifies the wall to keep them out. and keep my internal feelings here, in the unseen realm.
i've made the mistake of misunderstanding my protector, being enmeshed with it, downplaying or ignoring it, or identifying solely with my protector, not knowing that there was more to my truth than my shield.
the protector is the gateway, the bouncer, to knowing who you are behind the wall. just like you gotta befriend the bouncer to get into the club. you gotta befriend your protector to create peace and harmony with the truths living behind the walls!
working with the protector is one of the most important part of creating intimacy and trust with yourself, and every relationship in your life.
i'm excited to show you how in my new upcoming 2-part Parts Work Workshop: Un-Armouring Your Protector, starts September 20th!
Get your early bird ticket Sign up here!
